highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
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I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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