did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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