I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
