I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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