I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
