He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
