Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
