so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
