I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
