I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
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