He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
