You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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