Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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