I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
a search helicopter?!
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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