i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
