Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
