I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
