well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Pooping to opera.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
