i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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