you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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