I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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