I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
