So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
