i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
