Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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