I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
