Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
