Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
