Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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