why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
