You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
