Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
