please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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