She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
The air taste purple.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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