the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
