help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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