hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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