I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
