wanna go halves on a baby?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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