At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
