I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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