Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
