Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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