I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
