i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Randomize
