I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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