Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
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Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
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Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
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