hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
