I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
