When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
