Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize