my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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