yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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