I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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