Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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