when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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